i just got an email from rehan and it really drove the point home that ive been incredibly out of touch with everyone for the past 6 months. i reckon ive got a good reason though! i left for new zealand and it blew my mind so fucking much i couldnt leave, so i've been here since september....and im flying out to go back home in like 3 days. its a real trip and ive had some outrageous experiences. i hope you're all doing well.

peace out

its been a very very very long time since ive updated. hello! well ive realized that im kind of an asshole for not keeping in contact with everyone. yeah, im definitely an asshole. i suppose its not all my fault as i haven't had a computer that has had a working internet for about 8 months. but im in texas now and my mum has one. im here for 3 weeks and then im going to new zealand for 4 months. ive gotten a few new phones and lost a lot of phone numbers in the process as well.

i realized just today how important it is to love yourself. if you don't love yourself, you can't be happy. i couldn't figure out why ive been feeling so fucked up these past few months, where my happiness had gone, and then it donned on me -- i was with someone who made me feel shitty about myself and i had stopped waking up each morning and thinking of how beautiful it was to be alive. its gonna take some time before i can get back to where i was but life is all about 2 things- learning and loving.

im gonna try and catch up with some people before i leave america. fuckin eh i need a change.

peace guys.

well it has been a very long time i think....so i figured i'd update again, especailly cause mike said to. hmm...just been chillin these past 3 months really. learned a lot about myself, learned so fucking much. its been great. just got back afew hours ago from a 5 day camping trip. im so fucking haggard its ridiculous. but yeah..my comp has a virus so i have to use the campus comps, thats why im never on msn anymore. wish i could do something about it...ok gotta peace out. later.

oh yeah im going to new zealand in september, for SURE this time. fuck yeah!

life seems to be looking up. still some bullshit but whatever. started hanging out with this cool chick who i met last quarter...things may be going my way, we'll see.

peace.

i found myself wondering why i didnt break down intially when she first said it...i think itwas a combination of wanting to prove to myself that i could be strong, and i also think i wasjust in shock. i woke up  this morning at 645 and found myself crying... i think its just starting to hit me. how do you ask someone to have second thoughts about shit like this? i said i wouldnt give up easily this time,but i feel like there isnt anything i can possibly do. she said i have very little passion. what happened to me since senior year, idont get it? im having a hard timelooking at myself and seeing the person that i am or have become. i can tell myself that these 4 months of pouring my heart mind and soul into making this work when she finally gets back is a huge opportunity to learn something about myself...but i just want the fruits of my labor to amount to something else. something more substantial. like being with her. she has become a part of everything that is important in my life, hell everything in my life. my parents loved her, theres photo albums full of pictures of us, i cant listen to any ofmy music without it bringing up some fucking memory of us. all of our friends have seen us only as us, not individually...weve always been with each other. she was so exicted to watch my hair turn into dreadlocks, and now its here and everythings over. i never realized how much it helps to have people to talk to. and i feel so fucking alone right now...if i can call all of you friends then theres no one ive met since senior year, except for her, that even comes remotely close to that definition.

do any of you believe theres more than one person that you can really spend the rest of your life with? i keep telling myself there is. do you think im right?

if this seems like im overreacting, that it was just one relationship for christs sakes...maybe youre right.